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30

Jul

NYPD Shoots Pitbull

08

Nov

I woke up one morning, not too long ago and I realized that this life I am a part of isn’t my own. I opened my eyes and saw that I am stuck in the same rut as the person lying next to me. I had no one to blame but myself and I was the only person who could get me out. It had to be my decision, my choice.

            What had once made me feel safe and comfortable now made me anxious and agitated. My eye and leg twitched, I struggled to laugh. This girl I looked at in the morning every day was not the girl who packed up her life and moved across the country. In the past I had seen this girl before, but the last time I saw her, right before I left Maine I swore it was someone I would never see again. I promised myself that at all costs she would stay behind in the cold weather. So why now is she popping back into my life. How did she find me 3,000 miles away?

            I went over my life, what I wanted out of it, where this road would lead and what was in it for me. I debated and fought. I tried to conquer, not only my own demons, but also his. Two months and I realized that his demons where not mine to fight. Two months and I realized that I love myself more. I knew what had to be done.  

I looked at the ground after he was gone and I saw the little bread crumbs that had fallen from my pocket along the way. I knew that getting back to me would take some time, but also that this time, once I got there I would never allow that girl back into my life. I had learned my lesson, and though it may have been one of the hardest lessons, I saw it all the way through this time. 

16

Apr

Rescue a Dog!

A year and a half ago I rescue Jackson from a kill shelter on Pico. His time was close to up when I met him. I didn’t even have to think about adopting him. He was this sweet, gentle boy who crawled onto my lap… He was also an actor. I brought him home and a new side came out of him. He was free from the cold, dark and damp shelter and he came back to life. He was skinny and scared. Our relationship at first started of slowly. The shelter had done no personality tests, so they didn’t know how he was with kids, cats, small dogs, etc. It took us a couple months to get used to each other. He had separation anxiety, and proved to be the dog Houdini, able to escape from his crate. He ate EVERYTHING. Eventually he learned. Jackson has been such a huge influence on my life. He’s the best snuggle buddy anyone could ask for and he looks out for me. 

The ASPCA commercials always really upset me, but the other day I was watching a Katherine Heigl movie, “Life as We Know It”, prior to it starting a three minute clip came on about The Jason Debus Heigl Foundation. It assists in rescuing medium to large dogs from high kill shelters and giving them a second chance. 

Please repost the link to your networking site: http://www.jasonheiglfoundation.org/index.shtml

29

Mar

RIP My Precious Boy

Just this side of Heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. 

all the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing, they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands caress that beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from you life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….

RIP Jiggs… I’ll see you again someday <3 <3 <3

04

Feb

The Only Exception

A long time ago I gave up on love. After seeing a psychic and dressing a candle I had a new bout of faith. But it wasn’t until I finished reading The Secret that I realized that I was doing everything wrong. I was expecting every relationship to fail, and I would just sit and wait for something to go wrong. I asked for it to happen. I also didn’t have room in my life for it, right down to how my room was set up.

            I’m still fighting with myself about my doubts. I spent so many years in the mindset that ‘it wouldn’t hurt as bad if I was prepared for the worst’. This is going to take me a long time to push past, but I am confident that I will.

            Back in March I met someone who gave me butterflies and made me all nervous, those were feelings I had not felt since Seth. I felt that intense attraction but there was something more to him I couldn’t quite put my finger on, something mysterious; like I knew him once before. This mystery definitely kept me interested and wondering… I am naturally curious so I felt the need to figure him out. Not matter how hard I tried though I just couldn’t get down to it, until recently.                                                                                                He had me captivated. I had attempted to push myself away from him, but he always managed to pull me back in… a terrifying and familiar scene. There was something different about him though, something felt safe and I allowed myself to trust him. I swore I wouldn’t put myself through all of this again, but this one was different, as I keep saying. After trying for a little while to distance myself from him I gave up, and people around me noticed this happening, and I had no defense… I had no good excuse why I let myself back in, except that I just couldn’t help it.

            So finally at the end of August there was no more hiding what was going on. I found out after that night he had avoided being in the same place with me because he knew what would happen… he was exactly right. It wasn’t supposed to turn out the way it did, it was just supposed to be once. On a regular basis he tells me we can’t, we can’t end up together, we can’t keep hanging out like this, we can’t get attached. Personally if you were to ask me I’d say it is too late. I don’t think him and I can avoid what is happening, he tried for months to avoid it and yet here we are. I have no desire to fight what is going on. The safety that I felt with him back when I shouldn’t have felt it feels even safer now. There’s an ease at being around him. Maybe it’s the way he talks in circles constantly in ways that make you think he’s talking about something with an underlying meaning. Maybe it’s his goofy quirks. Or the way he puts the warm clothes on me right before bed and doesn’t allow me to unwrap from his grasp through out the night.

I really don’t know what about him feels so safe, just that I do. Mixed with the safety net he keeps around me, is this intense fear, a fear I only feel when I’m driving away from him or hoping I hear from him. It is a panic that if he truly believes ‘we can’t’ that we won’t. A part of this is my past fear, but if him and I don’t take a shot at what we’re building we’re going to miss out on something. He’s afraid our ‘addiction’ for each other will push our dreams onto the back burner, but the part he doesn’t understand is that, I didn’t move out here to forget about my dream, and that I’m not the one who will let him do that either. All he keeps telling me is that he doesn’t ‘know me’, well babe that is your fault. Because if he allowed himself to know me he would see that putting our dreams on the back burner is not an option.

He’s afraid we’ll end up hurt. This I know he has nothing to worry about. No one has been hurt more than I have, and it is always me that ends up hurt, I’m not the hurtful one. I want him to see that he doesn’t have to worry about being hurt, because I won’t do it, and if he’s worried about hurting me…. well, I have been through it all and have only come out stronger.

What I can’t handle is not trying this with him. There is something there, everyone around us sees it, as do people who do not know either of us. I have never had a ‘guest’ watch someone and me and ask what we have going on before… until this week.

            I swore I would never put myself through something that didn’t promise a good outcome, I swore I would never get involved with someone I worked with, and I wanted to avoid the mystery that he possess… yet here I am, he is an exception to my rule. But with him, I’m willing to get hurt. I can feel the potential in our relationship. It’s the way he looks at me, the way he kisses me, the way he holds me. I trust him in a way I haven’t trusted any other guy.

            I’m terrified, but it’s alright this time…. I feel it will be alright, that, I have never trusted before. 

Written September 16, 2010

29

Sep

Official Bad Boys Video, Hybrid XL

22

Sep

Life isn’t about avoiding the storms… it’s about learning to dance in the rain
Who ever said happiness is sunshine has never danced in the rain

15

May

"I Think I’m Ready", Katy Perry

At one point last year, I had decided that I would be alright with the love that I was lucky enough to experience with ________. But when I look back now, only eight months later, I see that it isn’t enough for me… I want more. I have allowed myself to become so jaded by men, and therefore focused so much on myself that I have become as my mom says “too independent for my own good”. I really do think independence is one of the most important things a girl can have, other than a fabulous shoe collection. I will always fall back on the general idea that I need to be this independent, because he (whoever he ends up being) will leave, whether he leaves me by choice or is taken from me, someday he’ll be gone and if I were to loose the independence I so dearly cling to then I will be lost as well.

I must admit right now, I have recently been inspired. I have always been drawn to the bad boys, which the end result is obvious. So when I noticed a growing attraction for someone who definitely is not a bad boy I thought, ‘just maybe… maybe it’ll be alright this time.’ Granted, ‘he’ is not the point in this moment. The fact that someone was able to capture my attention like he has is the point. The fact that someone can make me giddy again, and give me chills and butterflies again totally amazed me and terrified me all at once. I had given up, I really, truly thought that I had already used up my love potion. But now I see that I was just building something to stand on. All those failed relationships were just teaching me what I need to look for. And meeting him, inspired me to believe that there is someone out there for me…. I just need to open up.

It has been years since I was last in a real relationship, I have dated and had flings, but to be ‘in a relationship’… no that has not appeared on my facebook page since my sophomore year of college. Today I was talking to my best friend and she said something to me I hadn’t yet considered. She said that it is good that I have been single all this time, because I got out of Maine, and that because I have learned who I am through myself and not someone else I know who I really am, that part I already knew. But then she said that when I meet someone, it will be ‘the one’, because I decided to stop settling and wait for the right person. Now I know this may not be quite practical, I don’t expect to marry the next person I date, but I also think this is why I haven’t dated. As Seth says, “I need to be swept”. I feel exactly the same way. I have settled so many times for so long for something mediocre, that I had completely given up on relationships. Which I didn’t have to do, I just needed to realize what I deserve, which I now know. Leanne made such a good point during out conversation because if I had been in a relationship while I was in Maine I wouldn’t have left. Being in love is something so magical I wouldn’t leave it behind if I knew it was something real. Sure, I did leave love behind, but it was messy and I feared that we had dug ourselves so deep that we had just suffocated the relationship to death. There was no reviving it. But if I had stayed in Maine I wouldn’t have found the strength I have now, I never would have been able to chase a dream and I always would have wondered what the west coast had to offer me. I’m still wondering and I’m still learning everyday, and despite disappointment I know LA has something amazing to offer me, I feel it. On New Years when I said this would be a good year…. I haven’t given up that premonition. I feel more optimistic at this point in my life then I ever have before.

I don’t expect someone perfect or even normal, perfect is boring and as I was told today, so is normal, but I do expect to be swept off my feet, and I know that isn’t too much to ask. I temporarily failed at my New Years resolution, but I am going to reclaim it at this point… Chances are it’ll be heartbreak, but as my favorite quote goes, “Life isn’t about avoiding the storms, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

25

Feb

Escape

At one point last year, I had decided that I would be alright with the love that I was lucky enough to experience with ________. But when I look back now, only eight months later, I see that it isn’t enough for me… I want more. I have allowed myself to become so jaded by men, and therefore focused so much on myself that I have become as my mom says “too independent for my own good”. I really do think independence is one of the most important things a girl can have, other than a fabulous shoe collection. I will always fall back on the general idea that I need to be this independent, because he (whoever he ends up being) will leave, whether he leaves me by choice or is taken from me, someday he’ll be gone and if I were to loose the independence I so dearly cling to then I will be lost as well.

I must admit right now, I have recently been inspired. I have always been drawn to the bad boys, which the end result is obvious. So when I noticed a growing attraction for someone who definitely is not a bad boy I thought, ‘just maybe… maybe it’ll be alright this time.’ Granted, ‘he’ is not the point in this moment. The fact that someone was able to capture my attention like he has is the point. The fact that someone can make me giddy again, and give me chills and butterflies again totally amazed me and terrified me all at once. I had given up, I really, truly thought that I had already used up my love potion. But now I see that I was just building something to stand on. All those failed relationships were just teaching me what I need to look for. And meeting him, inspired me to believe that there is someone out there for me…. I just need to open up.

It has been years since I was last in a real relationship, I have dated and had flings, but to be ‘in a relationship’… no that has not appeared on my facebook page since my sophomore year of college. Today I was talking to my best friend and she said something to me I hadn’t yet considered. She said that it is good that I have been single all this time, because I got out of Maine, and that because I have learned who I am through myself and not someone else I know who I really am, that part I already knew. But then she said that when I meet someone, it will be ‘the one’, because I decided to stop settling and wait for the right person. Now I know this may not be quite practical, I don’t expect to marry the next person I date, but I also think this is why I haven’t dated. As Seth says, “I need to be swept”. I feel exactly the same way. I have settled so many times for so long for something mediocre, that I had completely given up on relationships. Which I didn’t have to do, I just needed to realize what I deserve, which I now know. Leanne made such a good point during out conversation because if I had been in a relationship while I was in Maine I wouldn’t have left. Being in love is something so magical I wouldn’t leave it behind if I knew it was something real. Sure, I did leave love behind, but it was messy and I feared that we had dug ourselves so deep that we had just suffocated the relationship to death. There was no reviving it. But if I had stayed in Maine I wouldn’t have found the strength I have now, I never would have been able to chase a dream and I always would have wondered what the west coast had to offer me. I’m still wondering and I’m still learning everyday, and despite disappointment I know LA has something amazing to offer me, I feel it. On New Years when I said this would be a good year…. I haven’t given up that premonition. I feel more optimistic at this point in my life then I ever have before.

I don’t expect someone perfect or even normal, perfect is boring and as I was told today, so is normal, but I do expect to be swept off my feet, and I know that isn’t too much to ask. I temporarily failed at my New Years resolution, but I am going to reclaim it at this point… Chances are it’ll be heartbreak, but as my favorite quote goes, “Life isn’t about avoiding the storms, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”